


used to be a winner (everything was all black and white)

by sweaterpawz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Seungmin-centric, TW: Eating Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:06:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27259930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweaterpawz/pseuds/sweaterpawz
Summary: seungmin battles an eating disorder and the members are there to catch him when he falls.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 77





	used to be a winner (everything was all black and white)

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone,
> 
> this is my first time posting on ao3! just wanted to start with a short and simple one-shot. 
> 
> hoping to post more in the future! <3
> 
> title from: slump (eng version) by stray kids

There was something dehumanizing about the way the dietician at JYP apathetically glanced him over and almost instantaneously deducted that he needed to lose at least 10kg. Like his talents and skills had become transparent amidst the unacceptable fat that clung to his bones.

Seungmin had never considered himself to be a person who needed to diet. Among his peers, he had a relatively average physique that allowed him to continue the physical activities and sports that he loved like baseball and dance. 

Relatively average was not deemed beautiful, he surmised— and being beautiful was part of the job. 

God, he wanted this job. 

He accepted the diet plan that was robotically thrusted to him and was quickly sent out so that the next shiny eyed trainee could have their turn at the chopping board. 

Seungmin could only hope that the young girl who timidly crept into the room was spared a fraction of the ruthless treatment that he had been subject to. 

In hindsight, Seungmin hadn’t expected it to be this hard.

His physical capabilities were put to the test everyday with endless vocal and dance practices. There were trainees his age that had been in the company for years and it was evident in the way they carried themselves. Of course, there was no reason to begrudge any of them for the confidence they carried. If anything, it drew out an innate respect from Seungmin and he truly wondered if he would ever be able to match up to them. 

While singing came a lot easier to him than the dance lessons, the lessons were still arduous and instructors never held back from pointing out the most inconspicuous flaws. They tired him out more than he could have ever anticipated and whenever he felt this burnt out, a good, hearty meal with his family would always be the perfect fix.

While Seungmin could try to adjust his perception of cold and dry chicken breast alongside dry greens so that it was even the slightest bit as appetizing as the delicious meals of the past, there was truly no kidding himself. 

“I don’t know if I would just rather not eat at this point.” 

Jisung snorted unattractively and took a large bite out of the triangle kimbap he had swiped from Minho. 

“It’s not that bad, Seungminnie! Try to imagine it like it’s a cheese burger except there’s no cheese or bread or beef—“ 

“There is no resemblance! Now you’ve just made me crave cheeseburgers.” Seungmin groans, flopping over on to the table as he pushes away his barely touched food. “Curse you and your lightning fast metabolism.”

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” 

Seungmin brandished his plastic fork menacingly at the slightly older boy. “Do not even get me started, Han Jisung.” 

After what felt like endless dance practices, sleepless nights and busy days at school and in the company, Seungmin had almost managed to lose all of the weight he was expected to. The problem was the baby fat that clung to his cheeks. Logically, he knew spot reduction wasn’t a thing he could naturally do. It didn’t stop him from skipping a few extra meals here and there to attempt to lessen the amount of puffiness in his face. 

Despite his best efforts, nothing seemed to work.

It seemed as if no one wanted to let him forget this.

Another meeting with the dietician had led to a new meal plan, somehow even more unforgiving than the first.

Since their survival show had begun airing, he and the other members were becoming familiar with both the good and the bad comments. 

[+13, -10] Seungmin’s cheeks are so fat … and not in a cute way.  
[+17, -5] His big head and skinny body just looks abnormal ... that's terrible.  
[+30, -4] Seungminnie’s vocals are so good! He deserves more lines!!!  
[+10, -2] The only thing that makes Seungmin stand out is how weird he looks … the other members could totally do without him …  
[+15, -8] Felix and Minho are so much easier to look at compared to Seungmin … they should have eliminated him instead. 

Seungmin felt a lump form in the back of his throat as he tried to blink away the sudden burning sensation in his eyes. He felt an ache in his chest that surely had nothing to do with physical pain but mental anguish. As much as he wanted to appreciated the one positive comment, it looked so tiny and insignificant amongst the negativity, like it was drowning in a sea of hate with no life jacket in sight. 

He felt so pathetic. 

Curling up further into his bed, Seungmin drew his blanket over his head. 

He thought he was doing okay but it was becoming abundantly clear to him that he had to do more. 

What if they kicked him out of the group? Would they do that? For not being good looking enough?

Minho and Felix’s faces flashed in his mind, a stark reminder that yes, yes they would definitely remove him for not meeting their expectations. 

Even the idea of it had him biting his lip, holding back the cry of self hatred that was sure to come out otherwise. If anything, he didn’t want the members to know. The last thing Seungmin wanted to do was burden his already stressed out members.

Why couldn’t he do anything right?

The clink of cutlery on plates made his stomach queasy. Seungmin wasn’t sure how this came to be but recently, eating was the last thing he wanted to do. 

“Seungmin-ah, you barely touched your food.” Hyunjin points out, scooting closer to throw an arm around his narrow shoulders. “Everything okay with you?”

It was hard to ignore the hurt look on Hyunjin’s face when he shrugged the comforting arm off of him but he didn’t want anyone’s hands on him. If he was disgusting to look at, how disgusting was it to touch him? God, he hated himself.

“Just not hungry …” Seungmin muttered, finally pushing the still full plate away from him. He moved to get up when Chan gently grasped his wrist and anchored him down. 

“You know you can talk to us about anything.” Chan, the ever so great leader who could never do anything wrong. 

Seungmin both respected him and envied him. There were days where that envy bordered on hate and the notion of it made him feel sick in the stomach sometimes.

“I’m okay.”

He could see the other members exchanging worried glances with each other and he ducked his head down. No matter what he did, he was a burden. 

Sick of feeling sorry for himself, Seungmin rose again and pulled his wrist out of Chan’s grasp.

“I’m going to go practice vocals for a bit.”

“We just came back from vocal practice.” Woojin said in between bites of rice. 

Woojin sang so well and had a vocal tone that sounded both powerful and effortless. Why did they keep Seungmin around when they had Woojin?

Seungmin pushed his chair in and backed out of the room.

“I can’t quite reach a note in this song. It’s bothering me so I’m going to go work on it.”

He paused leaving the room until he received a reluctant nod from Chan. There’s a weary look on his face that Seungmin couldn’t quite decipher. 

A small voice in the back of his head told him it was disappointment and he hated that it was probably true.

Walking out of the dorm without looking back, Seungmin ignored the hunger pangs and quickly made his way to the JYP. 

He was going to prove his worth, even if it was gonna kill him.

Miraculously, Seungmin had somehow pulled himself through the survival show and a stroke of luck had the seven boys reunited with Minho and Felix. 

All nine were set for debut and while everyone was excited to finally embark on this long awaited journey together, there was also a new sense of dread and stress.

Unlike groups who simply debuted without participating in a survival show, Stray Kids had already established a fanbase who have been showing their unconditional love and support. 

The nine boys knew they couldn’t let them down and that they had to show their absolute best selves for their loyal supporters. 

Seungmin was desperate to please and thus, meals became a scarcity in his hectic routine. He couldn’t remember a time he had felt this drained of time and energy. 

“Seungmin-ah, I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat.” Jisung sits next to him on his bed despite knowing that one of the other boy’s pet peeves were others sitting on his bed in dirty clothes. 

In reality, Seungmin has been so under the weather he can barely bring himself to care anymore. 

“We’ve all been so busy preparing for debut. I personally can’t remember the last time you showered.” Seungmin weakly snarks back, curling up under his layers of blankets.

Somehow three blankets were not enough to keep his shivers at bay. He made a mental note to ask his mother to send another comforter to the dorm.

Jisung clucks his tongue, putting his hand on Seungmin’s bony shoulder and squeezing. 

“I’m just worried about you. You’ve lost more than enough weight, don’t you think?”

“Maybe you should worry about yourself, Jisungie …” 

“Seungmin …”

He can hear the hurt in the other boy’s voice and he hates himself for it. To be frank, Seungmin hadn’t even intended to say it but somehow the harsh words easily slipped through his dry lips. 

There’s that familiar burning in the back of his eyes but Seungmin refuses to cry about this. It’s so simple. Less calories and more fat burned and he’ll become worthy of their fans’ love. 

It’s so simple.

But why did it feel so hard sometimes?

“I’m tired, Jisungie. I’m going to sleep,” Jisung looks like he has more to say but Seungmin doesn’t have the energy for this anymore. He has to save it for more dance practices and more vocal training. He turns over and shoves himself further into the blankets. “Please turn off the light.”

With a sigh, he feels the weight of his friend leave the bed and a few seconds later, the lights go out. 

The choreography for District Nine was truly no joke but it was to be expected. Loud and explosive choreography were generally expected from successful boy group debuts. 

Each run through made Seungmin felt like he had sprinted ten kilometres without stopping. 

Taking a glance around the room, he noticed that the other members weren’t breathing or sweating as hard as he was.

Why was he so weak? What was wrong with him?

Shaking his head, Seungmin refocused on his reflection. He just had to practice more and his stamina would increase. 

Were those black spots always in the mirror? He hadn’t ever noticed it because he was constantly so fixated on his own appearance and how difficult he was to look at.

“Minnie?” Hyunjin catches him as he stumbles to the right a little in the midst of the choreography. The music stops abruptly and a a quick glance towards the audio equipment tells him that Minho had stopped it when his feet stopped working. There was a pinched look on Minho’s face as he regarded Seungmin. “Everything okay?”

“I …”

Suddenly, the black spots were getting bigger and bigger until they overwhelmed his vision, blackness taking over as he hears the fading panicked voices of the members. 

A white ceiling greets him when his consciousness returns to him. 

There’s a pinched feeling in his arm and when he turns, he sees an IV drip sitting next to his bed along with Chan. 

The leader has his head in his hands, looking like the epitome of stress. 

Seungmin was the cause of that and he fully knew it.

He felt so terrible just looking at him that his eyes immediately welled up with tears. This was the last thing he wanted. Chan had so many other things to worry about as their leader and he had just added on to it like the useless garbage he was.

Hard to look at next to Hyunjin and Minho.

Can barely hold a light beside to Woojin’s vocals.

Not cute enough to rival their adorable maknae, Jeongin. 

The pressure in his chest felt like it was choking him and Seungmin truly couldn’t help himself when he let out a pathetic sob, jolting Chan out of his tense posture.

“Hyung, I’m so sorry— I’m so sorry, I’m always causing problems. I’m just trying to be better for the team and the fans but I can’t do anything right—“

Chan pushes himself off of his seat to sit on the edge of the bed Seungmin is laying on and gathers the younger boy into his arms, shushing him and stroking his hair like a patient and loving mother.

“Stop, Seungmin. I should be apologizing to you. I should have noticed you were feeling under the weather. You’ve been working harder than any of us and I should have been there to stop when it got too far. I’m a bad leader.” Chan sighs as the younger boy continues to cry into his chest.

“You’re the best leader, hyung. You do so much for us and I just want to do right by you.” Seungmin cries, wrapping his skinny arms around Chan’s broad shoulders.

Hushing the distressed boy, Chan rocks him gently back and forth. Eventually, Seungmin’s cries dwindle into soft sniffles that Chan would find absolutely adorable in any other scenario. Not the time, the older boy reminded himself.

“You can do right by me by taking care of yourself. The members and I have been so worried about you. We’re a team, yeah?” Chan pulls back to look into Seungmin’s red and puffy eyes. He doesn’t continue on speaking until he receives a small nod from the other. “A team takes cares of each other in order to succeed. Let us take care of you, Minnie. We’re your team.”

The sincerity in the older boy’s eyes made Seungmin feel so warm and safe. He didn’t know what he had done in his previous life to deserve such a good and dependable hyung but he knew he couldn’t let the other slip through his fingers.

Logically, he knew that he had gone on a downward spiral both physically and mentally.

The stress had made him forget that the most important thing was his health.

If he wasn’t healthy, he couldn’t practice and improve.

Seungmin couldn’t let his team down anymore so he tucked his head under Chan’s chin and squeezed his arms tight around the older boy. 

“Thank you, hyung.”

**Author's Note:**

> eating disorders are not fun and i sincerely do not wish it upon anyone. 
> 
> your size doesn't define your worth! 
> 
> beauty comes from within. <3


End file.
